The Not-so-perfect World of Women

Six degrees of separation, right? You know the saying and you've probably experienced how crazy true it can be. Here in Naples, the circle is smaller and tighter. It's more like two degrees of separation, as a friend here recently exclaimed.

You're cruising the shopping aisles and you run into your child's classmate's mom. A new person in your book club ends up being your husband's flight-doctor. The radiologist who performs an ultra sound on your breast is the guy from your Italian class. (No joke. For real.) Talk about small.

For that matter - and because your mom told you to - you should mind your manners. Now, I usually know how to watch my P's and Q's. Generally, I'm a nice person especially in the company of strangers. No thank you. Yes, please. Hello. How is your day? Goodbye. Have a good one! You know the social drills. Most people do. Or at least I thought.

A recent series of events has left me a bit baffled by social behaviors, or lack thereof. A cattiness that is surprising, disappointing, and really, deep down, hurtful - whether they know it or not.

Women in particular can be particularly catty in small circles, when ungrounded competitions seem to arise over meaningless matters like "most busy social calendar" or person with the greatest number of friends or latest have-to-have bag.  It's the stuff of high-school, but it can sometimes creep into social circles, especially when there's only 2 degrees of separation. (Which also means there is very little room to wiggle away from these kinds of people, which is how I typically diffuse these situations.)

Now, I'm not perfect. Never claimed to be. Won't ever be!

And I confess, I gossip. It's not a pretty habit, and I do limit it to only my husband and a few good, trust-worthy friends. (Yes, I know, gossiping isn't acceptable no matter with whom! I'm working on it! Ooookay?!)

Anyway, if I don't care for someone, I still know how to be polite, say hello and goodbye, and just follow common courtesy practices. Not everyone likes me, and I certainly run into people I'd rather not share my table with at Thanksgiving, if given a choice. We're all different and there are so many ways to live life. It's OK to not like everyone, or be liked by everyone.

However, I think one of the growing-up skills I sought to accomplish is the ability to be respectful of people, their lives and our differences. I ran across an article on rising above cattiness that is aimed at the corporate audience, but I think this woman has some thoughtful words to share. Alicia Smith says, when dealing with cattiness, that you should... 

Come from a place of integrity. One of the best ways to rise above catty behavior is to make integrity your central “come from” place when you deal with others. Integrity is about core honesty. When you come from a place of being fully integrated in your thoughts and actions, you are operating from a place of integrity.

Let go of the need for power. Catty behavior typically manifests when someone needs to come from a place of power. In order to feel complete, a catty person must make others feel incomplete. Rather than coming from a place of competition with others, try coming from a place of cooperation. Appreciate the gifts and talents that others have to offer. Recognize that there is plenty for all and that there is no winner or loser. Instead, everyone can be a winner.

Own your own stuff. Catty people do not take responsibility for their life outcomes. Much of their unfortunate behavior towards others is the manifestation of anger, internal resentment and low self-esteem. The ill will they feel inside is often unleashed upon unknowing others in the form of negative comments, cynicism, and rudeness. People who rise above catty behavior own their own stuff. They take personal responsibility for their actions and understand that everyone (including themselves) is impacted by what they think, say, and do.

 Lastly,

Have empathy for others. Individuals who have empathy don't have a place in their hearts to be mean-spirited towards others. They understand that life holds challenges enough for all and that they have no right to add to another person's burden. To have empathy for others, we must have it for ourselves. For those who have not learned that important life lesson, they can only give away what they have inside of themselves. For those who have empathy, there is no place for catty behavior to enter the picture. They interact with others only from a place of love and understanding.

I think these are good reminders of the basics of human interaction in the face of shallowness or petty behavior. And certainly offer some insight into why some resort to such behavior, and how to rise about it.

I will say this: in the two degrees of separation that has surrounded me in Naples, I have come across the best group of women to be found in one place. (Even before I got here, thanks Heather!) Collectively, most are smart, fun, adventuresome, outgoing, inclusive, free-spirited and roll-with-the-punches women; strong and capable, and honest, warm and genuine in building friendships. What a group, and I'm so thankful I've had a chance to be a part of this military-abroad experience. 

Comments

[Audra]

Sorry to hear about the cattiness - I'm sure you did not deserve it in any way! I can relate from having been on the receiving and the dishing end. I don't know why it's so hard for women to just be cool with each other most ot the time - honestly, I do envy men for the easy relationships they have. My sister and I often talk about this, why it can be a challenge to be happy for others when they seem to have a lot of good things going on in their lives. I think for my sister and I, when we struggle, it comes from not being very confident about ourselves and I can only assume that's the case for other women. I sure hope it's not just outright maliciousness! Like you, I usually gossip in what I think of as "closed circuit," in hopes that my pettiness won't actually hurt anyone, and because I'm not really proud of when I gossip either. I'm glad you have some great, close friends in Italy and hope the catty ones were just having a bad day!